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Simulating Reality

December 12, 2011

For the majority of my life, reality has been no different than a series of dreams. I wake up, experience whatever dream awaits me, go back to bed, and dream a new dream the next day. The people I meet with, interact with, talk to– everyone who affects my life each day, are different, even if they’re the same– they might have the same name, same occupation, same character– from their perspective, I am the same person they knew me as before– but to me, they are not the same person; putting it bluntly, they are not a person at all, but just another piece of another dream.

This mindset, which I developed at some point as a coping mechanism by which to deal with my mental illness, has the side-effects of detachment, independence, infinite-adaptability, and the complete annihilation of all identifiable phenomena, including real emotions. The world as I know it is not real, but an illusion– just like “The Matrix”, no different than a computer-generated dream world. When I look around me I don’t see nostalgia, affinity, or familiarity– I see data. Everyone around me, and everything– just another bit in the data that is my dream. The next day I will have a different dream, and although the people might appear to be the same, and I could even “identify” them as such, I don’t really see them as a the same person. I just “pretend” to, so as to make myself more compatible with their reality.

Sounds crazy, right? Well of course it is, but there is only very little I can do about it at this point, because old habits die hard, and lifelong reality paradigms– so much harder. For now, I’ve been doing the only thing I can to maintain “status quo”: simulating reality. I simulate emotions, opinions. perspectives, beliefs, attachments, identification– anything that anyone considers to be real in this world (well almost anything) I can simulate with remarkable acuity. Because the vast majority of the world are “in reality” fake the begin with, it makes it all that much easier to project my own imposter phenomena into this dream that is life. The only difference between my simulated reality and the fake realities of so many people, I might argue, is that I am conscious of how fake my world is, whereas everyone else eats up their own bullshit.

The only person– or should I say “concept” that I can’t simulate, is God. Well actually I don’t know that, because I haven’t tried. I’ve created basic constructs of the nature of God, developed philosophical ideas about who God is, what he’s about, and even an abstract idea of what his relationship is to me. But I never believed in these ideas or put them to the test by simulating, like I had everything else. Simulating Christianity, yes– that’s easy. But simulating God, I could probably do it, but not going to– it’s off limits.

I don’t know why I’ve never tried to simulate God, but I’m glad I didn’t, because at this point, an unsimulated God is my only hope for a return to the real world, to “The Land of the Living“. As I said earlier, “there is only very little I can do about it at this point,” Yes, my options are limited– to return to a non-simulated, genuine reality, God is really all I’ve got to work with, as the only being left that I haven’t simulated. So while I prefer to “walk before running” by having real relationships and real love with people, I’m going to have to “cut to the chase” proverbially speaking, and genuinely experience God.

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