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Simulation and Love

December 10, 2011

[The following post incorporates excerpts from emails to my soul mate]

I’ve been an “experimental” stage for quite some time now. The whole “living-in-a-dream” mindset was very intriguing for me, and I saw it as a reliable means to cure myself of mental illness. Problem is, now I’m having trouble finding my way back– in many ways similar to what was experienced by the “First/Second waves” as depicted in “The Children of the Law of One, and the Lost Teachings of Atlantis”. I have had the knowledge of what to do for quite some time, but if knowledge was enough to find my way, I would have become enlightened several years ago.

It is the feeling that I have lost– or as I call it, “The Essence”. this is really what the book “The Essence of the Soul” is about, and the reason why I am far from finishing that novel, is because it is a spiritual autobiography. I can’t finish the novel, because just like the main characters, I am still lost. I have become out of touch with “The Essence”, and am having quite a bit of trouble finding it again.

I am a big believer in habits, and are you said once- “you must prepare yourself for meditation to truly benefit from it” –though you didn’t put it in those exact words. I think while habits will not do anything to actually help me find the essence, I can use habits to get rid of all the negativity and distractions that are preventing me from find it. When one is freed of all deceptions, the truth will become self-evident, in other words.

“You say you have never felt love? Was it not loving that we shared that ice cream? You are being too strict with your definition of love, for love isn’t found just in relationships.. but is present in everything, in every life form.”

There is no doubt in my mind that this was love. As to whether or not I was receptive enough to appreciate the love, this is something I do not know. You say I put high standards on love, and perhaps you are right. But deep down, I know that love is something far more amazing than this, and I feel that perhaps you feel that “something more amazing” when we shared the ice cream– something that, because I am lost and do not know how to break down my walls, I was not able to appreciate as you did.

I do not know what love is, but can only judge it based on what is is not, the characteristics that it demonstrably constitutes– and– ultimately, this feeling deep inside that I know is the true expression of love. this feeling– this “Essence”– is something that I have long thought about, sensed within. The Essence is my name for God. I have never called God by this name though, because for me, God is not personal, as I have never had a relationship with him, and I believe that my name “The Essence” reflects this impersonality.

I wish to be free of this simulation of love, and to love freely and truly. I want to experience God, instead of just pretending to. I want to really feel, and truly be, me, instead of this anomaly. It’s difficult to know what real love is– what real feelings are– when I’ve lived a life of simulation, but I will find a way to gain these experiences, if only because it is my destiny. I don’t know how, or when, or by what means I will finally escape this simulation and enter, as Milk Inc. called it, “The Land of the Living”, but I look forward to that day. The day when I will finally be free to live, to love, to feel, to be, Me.

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