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Trust Issues

December 2, 2011

As I noted in my post “I Can’t Imagine“, there are some things that are so beyond my ability to experience, that I can’t even imagine beyond a simulation of the emotions associated with them. The concepts of feeling connected with someone, of being loved, of the serenity of knowing the place I truly belong in life– these are things I simply can’t imagine, and have had to be content with simulating. As a result, I have lived a largely counterfeit life, pretending to be connected with people, to love and be loved, to have this strong sense of purpose in life where in reality, there was none.

My difficulties in my receptiveness to others was best expressed in an email response I wrote to a friend on the issue:

Q: “Has anyone ever shown love towards you?”

A: That question depends on your perception of reality. For example, if a tree falls and no one heard it, does it make a sound. I know my [soulmate] loves me, because she is a very pure being and cannot lie, but have I actually felt her love? No, I haven’t. I don’t know what love is beyond a spiritual ideal or logical concept. I am aware of love, and that people love me, but I have never felt their love. I cannot know what I have never experienced. That is a fundamental of all life”

Simply put, love is a concept that I am so completely out of touch with, that despite countless blog posts analyzing love, a great deal of thought put into trying to understand it, and a genuine desire to experience love, I have never been able to get beyond the simulation of love. There was a point where I would have been content with the simulation of love, but now more than ever, I find the concept of settling for a counterfeit love– quite unsettling.

So why is it that I can’t feel true love: trust issues. I haven’t genuinely trusted a person in my life; I’ve simulated trust– which is one of the easiest emotions to simulate as it turns out– but never really trusted someone, not genuinely at least. I’ve gotten close to it, with my first girlfriend especially, and since then there have been a couple individuals that I have put a significant amount of trust in– but not even close to what I would consider true trust.

Just like with love, it’s difficult to trust people, especially since I have been simulating trust my entire life. When a person spends their entire life thinking that their counterfeit emotions are real, and never once experiences the real thing, it’s terribly difficult to know the difference. It’s like living in the Matrix– because I’ve been living my entire life in a dream world, I’m unable to “tell the difference between the dream world, and the real world.”

When life feels like a dream, and nothing feels real, it’s difficult to take anything seriously, or to actually trust anything or anyone. Everything and everyone feels surreal, like a freaking Hollywood movie, making genuine trust or love somehow feel completely irrelevant. Next day I’ll wake up to a modified reality that is trying too hard to think it’s the same, and a dream that is struggling to make itself feel more real than it really is or could ever be. So it’s quite difficult at a fundamental level for me to really trust anything in life.

If I am to truly experience the full spectrum of human emotion, I need to open up to the world, and take some serious risks in life. It can’t be anything most people consider “extreme”, like becoming homeless, or going to prison– I’ve already experienced my fair share of extremities such as these, and they’ve done nothing at all for me– if anything– they have made me even more jaded of reality.

What I need is a massive wake-up call– a circumstance that compels me to sell my soul to the devil– a situation where there is no logical rationalization, no creative work-around, no means of adapting my mindset. I don’t know what it will take, but I need to find a way to open myself up quick, or I’ll wake up 20 years from now miserable, even more emotionally damaged, and still just as cut off from reality as I am now.

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