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I Can’t Imagine

December 2, 2011

As a creative expressionist, it is my greatest ideal to present the full spectrum of emotion in my writing, and thus far, I have failed in this pursuit. If you read my poetry on Etherlust, you’ll find it to be mostly negative, and even the Love Poetry contains the emotions of love and excitement, but not what one would consider true happiness. When it comes to emotional expression, I am amazing in my ability to express negative emotions, and especially when it comes to pain, suffering, and self-loathing. But when it comes to good things, happy things, I fall far short of the pure expression I strive for, simply because I can’t even imagine being truly happy, truly loved, truly connected with everything.

I strive for Oneness, for Love, for unity with everything, but I really am lost when it comes to these things. The other day, I asked a friend who had become enlightened how to reach the path, and they admonished me, and for good reason: with all that I know about enlightenment, and all the amazing things I’ve written about Oneness and Selfless Love, I really should “get” it by now. But unlike her (and a lot of other people), I’ve never actually felt loved, never felt connected with my reality.

To me, enlightenment is a big dream that I want to have but I write about because I have very little hope of actually attaining it. I can mimic love, humility, and selfless love, but I can never have it, because I honestly have never felt it. I don’t know how to feel it, because no matter how many people may love me, no matter how many people care for me, I can only hope that, based on the evidence they’ve given me, that they genuinely do.

This friend of mine is a wonderful girl– probably the most amazing girl I’ve met or will never meet. I know she loves me unconditionally, and wishes for my greatest happiness. She is a pure soul, and so I know that when she says she loves me, or communicates through her actions, that she means it. But I would be a liar if I said I felt her love, because I have never felt love.

I logically know what love is, and can analyze, interpret, and even reproduce and simulate what love is, but my understanding of the “feeling” of love is limited to the rough hybrid of endorphins, adrenaline, dopamine, and the representative mix of happiness, excitement, and serenity these chemicals generate. I have never actually felt connected to anyone or anything, never known what it was like to actually care, to have a place where I belong, to feel one with my environment. These kinds of things are something I can’t imagine.

Yet I long with undying intensity to experience these things– at least to sample them, so that I would at least know how genuinely create these experiences for others. If I can’t have true happiness, love, or connectedness for myself, if I could at least have a small taste of what it’s like, so I might truly pass on these blessings to others, instead of sharing counterfeits, like I have been doing. I want to feel…real…and I don’t want to have to experience only negative emotions in that reality.

I believe there is a world of good that I can share with the world, and with my creative gifts and insights, all that’s missing is the genuine good– the unsimulated, pure good feelings which up until I can only write about, only dream of experiencing myself. If only so I might pass on the blessings of the full spectrum of human emotion in its glory, I want to at the very least know what it’s like to be One with God.

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