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Feeling The Love

October 5, 2011

There was a point in my life where I thought myself incapable of empathy. For most of my life, I could not empathize with anyone– there was no love, no trust, no hatred, no fear, no loathing, no joy, no sadness. There was only data. Even now, my receptiveness to people’s feelings is very limited, and I rely mostly on words, intonation, and superficial gestures to understand people, and to understand myself. Truth be told, I cannot feel people’s love, as much as I so long to.

My parents, my friends, and my family may love me, or they might not love me. I feel no love from them, but neither do I feel uncertainty about what they feel– this is because I have become jaded to these things, and used to not knowing what others feel about me, or if they feel anything at all. But there is one feeling that I will never get used to, and that is loneliness.

Because I do not know their true feelings, but merely the feelings they choose to express (via words, gestures, etc.), I feel cut off, alone, uncared for, unloved. The latter I can deal with, but the former– the feelings of desertion, and loneliness– these feelings I cannot adapt to, and am continually hurt by. I can only hope that someday I find a way to get past the limitations of superficial communication, and achieve the means to truly communicate with everyone, so that they might know my true self, and also so I might know their’s.

So long as I cannot feel the love, I can never truly love another, because I am bound to my own experiences. My love is an incomplete love, because it is one born of loneliness and isolation, and one which is only expressed through the superficiality of the spoken word, and of body language. This is not communication, and neither it is love– such expression is the mere transfer of data, and there is no meaning in that data. I cannot extract love, joy, hatred, fear, or any other kind of meaning from such data, because emotions are not data; rather, data is merely the catalyst through which emotions are expressed. So because I can’t feel people’s love through their words or actions, there must be another means through which love can be felt, and it’s crucially important that I find it– this “true communication” through which emotions can  truly be felt.

I cannot love until I first know how to love, and love is an emotion which, just like hatred, fear, and jealousy, is largely foreign to me. I know what it is, and how to define it, but I cannot felt it, and as such cannot truly express it. What I express as love is an incomplete, makeshift product of data, and can at best be considered “reconstituted love”– the recreation of love based upon analysis of its independent components. This is a fragmented love, and by no means true love. They say that to love others, you must first love yourself, but I now realize that to truly love myself, I must first know what love truly is, and for that, I must find a way to feel true love. Only then will I know what love really is, which is prerequisite to my own expression of it.

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