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The Choice

July 2, 2011

Here it comes again, the dreaded choice:

1. Live a life of freedom, disconnected from the world but creatively free to express myself and live a million lifetimes through the exploration of my imagination.

2. Live a life of success, suppressing my creativity to ensure social integration and solidarity, putting on a face of pretense, manipulating everyone around me to achieve my own goals, and be loved and accepted by everyone under the guise of pretending to care / sympathize with everyone else’s completely bullshit needs.

3. Compromise between these two, finding a way to express myself creatively in such a way that can be appreciated (or rather, that can be appreciated from the perspective of everyone else!), being true to myself, but only expressing the real me to those who I can trust with who I am, and even then only express the self in such a way as I know my friends can appreciate– not the real me in its entirety, as this just leads to misunderstandings, leading to the isolation of #1.

There is no correct option, and I have been struggling to choose between these three lifepaths for quite some time now. I know that if I do not choose, that I will not have a future. But if I do choose, I will have sealed my fate, and all the possibilities of #1, the success of #2, or the balanced combination of these two (#3), will have been taken from me as the karmic price for achieving the other.

No matter, which option I choose, I will lose something, and I have been in agony from my inability to choose. My indecisiveness has borne desperation, and that desperation is manifested in the personalities that account for these three choices: Kurutio (complete chaos), Matthias (complete control), NspyraishN (complete inspiration).

You would think that NspyraishN would be the obvious choice, but for me it isn’t so clear-cut. NspyraishN may be the most logical choice from a decision-making perspective, but he is also the most difficult choice, and the most self-compromised choice. And I don’t like compromise.

This post is imbalanced, incomplete, and ill-ended, and for good reason: I cannot see past the choice I have not yet made….lol I love Matrix quotes– so useful.

I must make the choice– I must…if I am to have a future. But I cannot, perhaps because I am unwilling to deal with the responsibility of having made the choice, and perpetuated the consequences thereof. Perhaps this whole thing– this agonizing mind-melting dilemma, could have been avoided altogether if I could learn to be more responsible.

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