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Irresponsible By Nature

February 25, 2011

If there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I’m irresponsible. Irresponsible with money, irresponsible with possessions, irresponsible with relationships and friends, and irresponsible with myself. It’s not as if I don’t care– I do– it’s just I lack the responsibility to follow-through with anything. I suppose that’s what responsibility really comes down to– consistently following-through when it comes to what you care about most.

I lack follow-through, and so I end up being a hypocrite; this hypocrisy of mine is what alienates me from everyone around me, and especially those I care for most. I don’t know how to prioritize my own life with the live of others, lack the discipline to balance between relationships and other shit that gets thrown my way, and end up just going with the flow, even if that flow is a life-threatening hurricane, ravaging everything and everyone else around me. I care, and yet this lack of follow-through makes me helpless. I can’t do anything about it, because I lack the motivation to. This kind of care-but-still-not-doing-anything-about-it drives my friend and family insane, and isolates me. But still lacking the motivation, I do nothing. I do nothing, because I’m irresponsible by nature.

Is that a cop-out? Most definitely. Being the irresponsible person I am, copping-out is the most natural response for me, the easiest way out, the most logical escape. I never liked responsibility to begin with– it complicates everything, and comes with this annoying thing called “obligation”. I’ve never been obligated to do or even think for anyone, not even for myself– to be honest, I enjoy living a life devoid of obligation and responsibility– both of these qualities just muck everything up–  make everything all icky and ugly. Going with the flow is far easier and stress free, and if other people don’t like it, why don’t they just go with the flow too. Irresponsibility is still my preferred way of living life.

But there’s still one big problem, and that has to do with this fun thing called “Balance”. Yes, I’m still somewhat clinging to the Karma paradigm, with all the useful inspiration it brings. But Balance is a bit different from Karma, albeit the precise difference I have yet to understand. But nevertheless, it’s clear that a wholly irresponsible lifestyle is just as bad as the wholly obligated lifestyle the rest of the world leads.

The ideal life should thus be somewhere in the middle– the “compromise” between Obligation and Freedom. I want to be free, but I also want to be responsible, so I’ll put a little freedom into my responsibility, and a little responsibility into my freedom. Like the Taoism YIng/Yang mentality, I’ll find that common ground. Even if, as Wikipedia note, that common ground is by its very nature hypocritical and fallacious, that compromised ground is the closest I, or anyone else will ever get to an ideal lifestyle.


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