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February 5, 2011

The primary reason why that I am unable to be truly happy with my life, and why I’m not nearly productive enough despite my enormous amount of talent and genius, is because my multiple personalities have conflicting motivations that cancel out each other at the worst of times, and interfere with each other at best. But of course, I also know that these personalities are only place-holder scapegoats that I myself had created to make my motivations more manageable. I created these personalities over time because I realized that my motivations were so much at odds and so ambitious that they could never be completely fulfilled. Unwilling to compromise with the fulfillment of just some of these dreams (knowing it would be at the expense of the other, equally important ones), I opted to create multiple personalities, hoping that someday by making peace between these demons within me, I might finally be able to truly live life. This epic battle within me will decide everything; regardless of the outcome, I know that at the least I can be satisfied, knowing I did everything I would.

Into these personalities of mine, many of which are still nameless, I inject my negative energy, my chaotic emotions, my unfulfilled dreams, and my greatest of longings. This is my moksha, and my catharsis; this is my self-imposed fate.

I cannot be satisfied even if I surpassed the world, for by accomplishing the profound I would have missed out on the mundane, and by unlocking the complex, simplicity will have been lost to me. No matter what I do, nothing will ever be good enough, and my greatest of ambitions and deepest of longings cannot, and should not ever manifest. I am the forbidden incarnate, a cursed existence alive only to play out a sadomasochistic practical joke. But the sad part about all this, is that I like it better that way. I guess that deep down, I really am a sadomasochist, one who can only truly feel complete when he is suffering. Perhaps after all I really would be happier in Hell than I ever could be in Heaven. That a God created me knowing this is the most intriguing part of all this– well, at least to the blissfully ignorant Christians who are only permitted their fantasies because they have yet to face themselves– to face the bitter truth.

I will never truly be satisfied until I live all that is life, but this is the greatest of all paradoxes. There is always more to live in life, and even if I were to become immortal, this dream of mine could never manifest; even if it could, the only reason why I have imposed this requirement on myself in the first place, is so that I could die in peace, knowing that I had already lived all that there was to live for. So then, what is there to live for, if not only for the sake of living. If God is not good enough for me, enlightenment is too mundane, and if even becoming God myself is mere child’s play in comparison to my deepest of ambitions, what will satisfy me? Surely nothing can, for if God is no more than child’s play, then I have already resigned myself to disappointment! I am disappointed, because even if I were to become God, and everyone were to worship me, admire me, and love me will all their heart…even that will only have scratched the surface of my potential, because I could always have done more. I am concerned with what I have not done, what I could do, and what I will never do even though I could have; consumed by this existential angst of mine, I end up doing nothing at all, becoming naught but mere vaporware, a waste of potential.

So that I can overcome these terrible shortcomings of mine, I have created these personalities. Kurutio, who is concerned only with self-gratification and the carnal experience of the physical world; th3g1vr, the observer, committed to the acquisition of all knowledge, and with understanding and communicating with the world and his environment; Matthias, who seeks to control the world and make it in his own image, and to manipulate everything and everyone to serve his will; NspyraishN, a hybrid of Kurutio and th3g1vr, is concerned with inspiring himself and being inspired by others– his primary objective is to truly communicate with the world, with inspiration becoming the catalyst for this communication (kinda like inception, as depicted in the movie “Inception”). Airielu, the woman and “Mona Lisa” in me, is a mysterious, shy, but surprisingly intense and complex figure– she represents my idea of a perfect woman, and is also the catharsis of my narcissistic tendencies. Timothy Matias, the role model and leader in me, is the personality that longs most to make peace between the aforementioned personas, that I might mature into a person worthy of leading the world into an era of true peace and spiritual fulfillment– he is the enlightened one, but has yet to be truly awakened. The other nameless personalities, with all of their excess energy and unfulfilled dreams, are buried deep within me, to be unlocked or left in the dust.

My fate can only be determined by the personalities I permit to possess me, and to be me.

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