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Moving On

January 2, 2011

I’m not very good at prioritizing (never have been), and I’m a reactive person by nature. As a result, the people nearest me, and those most enthusiastic in their dealings with me, get higher priority; it’s not because they are more important to be, it’s because they pay more attention to me. Your conception of friendship and mine are completely different, and my behavior reflects that. Yes, it’s true that I’m not giving you as much attention because now I am more popular (and by popularity I am referring to friendship), but it isn’t because you’re any less important to me, it’s because you’re not as relevant to me.

This is not reminiscent of my aunt, because she abandoned me, cut me off, and refused to respond to my communications with her. The reason why I am not communicating with you is not in any way decision or even priority based; it is merely a reaction to your own actions, or in this case, the lack thereof. You (for one reason for another) have been communicating with me less and less, and while this might have been fine in the past (where most people were not enthusiastic in their dealings with me), now I have options, and there are people who (in their actions) care more about me than you do. You might think I am ignoring you or deliberately not talking to you, but this is completely wrong. If you feel I am not communicating with you enough, it is only because you are not communicating with me nearly enough, especially compared with people who communicate with me on a daily basis.

Most of my communication takes place in-person, or on facebook. you do not use facebook (for reasons that I think are fundamentally B.S. and delusional), and thus cannot communicate with me there. I could email, but email is more fun to respond to than to send, and since you and I have very little in-common, there is almost nothing for us to *spontaneously* talk about. I hate talking on the phone, because I feel that it’s a poor substitute for talking in-person, and also (for other reasons I have not quite put my finger on) very disconcerting to me. That only leaves the option of meeting in-person.

Even though I am busy, I would not mind meeting in-person. However, I do not have the money for travel, and I hate asking people for things, preferring to be invited instead. You have not invited me, and so I have not come. Summing it all up, if you wanted attention, you should have asked for it; I would have given it to you.

When I said my idea of friendship is was different from yours, this is what I meant: you see friendship as respect, mutual passion, commitment, knowing someone better than anyone else, and willing to do anything for that person (should the need arise).

I think such sentiments to be illusionary and idealistic, and so cannot be part of my definition of friendship. My definition, although not nearly as sentimental, does cover the conditional fulfillment of your own sentiments, albeit in a more logical fashion: Priorities.

You could say that based upon my own definition, we are no longer friends, because you are no longer a priority in my life; accordingly, you have broken up your friendship with me, having made me a lesser priority by not communicating me either.

But you should also realize that there is one big difference between your definition and mine: control. Your definition believes in ownership: that I can statically say you are *my* friend, and conversely, anyone who upsets either of us because “the enemy”. I cannot understand or condone any kind of jealously, as I find them to be no more than byproducts of human instinct. I am not your friend, and you were not mine– these are merely illusions of human instinct. We may have friendship, but that friendship is not an object that should be controlled or held on to, but an aspect of life that should be enjoyed freely.

You see friendship as an object, whereas I see it as an ideal; this disagreement alone means we will never truly see eye to eye on anything. But nevertheless, I will not abandon, betray, or ignore you– not just because it’s not in my character to, but because I fervently believe that such notions are delusional at best, and detrimental at worst.

In order for me to abandon, betray, or ignore, you should have *objectively* been important to me in the first place, but you never were; I cared not for you, but for the inspiration which I found in you, the world, and in God. Yes I have moved on, but only because the rest of the world has proven far more inspirational than you. There was a point where you were the inspiration in my life, but things have changed; I have changed.

First and foremost, I do not think what my aunt did was wrong– I never thought that. for a while I was angry towards her, because her actions had contributed significantly to the degradation of my own life, but never did I think of her actions as wrong. On the contrary, I think her actions were very in-character, and retrospectively very predictable; I think she did the right thing, even though an unfortunate byproduct of that was the delay in my own development as a person. I do not blame her for anything though, because I recognize she acted according to what she thought it was best, and I am glad for it. It’s better to be yourself and the world hate you, than to be someone you’re not and be loved by all, in my opinion.

These miscommunications between us are the same as they have always been, in that they are caused by a great divergence in personal views and values: you treasure interdependence while I value independence, you find sympathy as essential while I see it as a hindrance, what you consider neglect I think of as moving on. Because of these differences, you misunderstand my actions, thinking of me as failing to understanding the importance of sympathy, commitment, and “caring”; in reality, I do understand these things, I just don’t consider them as importance *to me*; I see sympathy as residual instinct, commitment the supporting pillar of a corrupt society, and “caring” as an illusionary construct of the superego, along with the so-called “conscience”.

Most people I know share and agree with your views, and I am not saying you are wrong, or even that your belief in these things is detrimental; rather, I have not found any *personal* merits to my own adherence to these values. like homosexuality, it might be a good thing for some people, just not for me.

It is my opinion that you should do what you think is right, regardless of what I think, say, or do. If you wished to continue to contact me, you would despite my claims of being busy or preoccupied. You instead valued my own wishes above your own. I am not saying this is wrong, but I am saying that your decision to stop emailing me based upon your perceptions of my wishes (which you should know only expressed my wishes at that particular time, and did not in any way reflect the opinions of who I am as a whole) ultimately resulted in the resulting mutual lack of communication. I have more controversial opinions on this matter, but I’ll digress.

You seem to think that I care how much you “care” about me. While I appreciate your sentiment, it will not in any way influence my judgement, because I’m not the sentimental type. Yes I am cold-hearted, and find both your feelings and my own to be largely irrelevant. I only care about inspiration, and no matter how much you might care for me, your caring heart is no more inspirational to me than a vintage broken record. This is the sad, bare, raw, harsh, and bitter truth. You are no longer of use to me, and thus no longer a priority. If you wish to be friends, you will find a way to be useful.

However, as you are the sentimental type who prizes “caring” above all else, I doubt you should want to have anything to do with me. I hope this letter will help you to understand that however much you thought you knew me, you really didn’t know anything about me at all, because you were too busy admiring me or wanting to help me. If you really wanted to know me, you should have hated me. Remember, admiration is the farthest thing from the truth!

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