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November 16, 2010

Although everyone I know would accuse me of overcomplicating everything, I’m actually pretty simpleminded when it comes to my motivations. Just like everyone else, I am conditioned to do what I do, and even though I might not know where all this conditioning came from, I do know that most of what I do in life I do only because someone encouraged it. I started writing because people had an interest in what I had to say, and for the most part I only continue writing because it’s the only thing that I’ve done that has had almost universally positive feedback; that is, regardless of what I have to say, most people would agree that I’m a good writer. In this respect, I am simpleminded. I am attracted to girls that appreciate me or “need” me, I thrive in environments where my feedback is encouraged, and I am happiest when the center of attention.

Even though I know this much about myself, I don’t do things that would get myself more acceptance. I know what I need to do for people to like me, and although such acceptance would make me happier, I just continue stubbornly living the lifestyle of an outcast and loner, self-righteous in my search for “truth” that I know better than anyone doesn’t exist in the first place. Perhaps it is this mysterious yet profoundly annoying stubbornness that makes me seem more complicated that I actually am.

Considering how much happier I am when I embrace my simplemindedness, it would seem wrong for me not to live such a life. Why do I struggle against the inevitable, despite knowing that it will make me so unhappy. Actually, I really don’t know. In fact, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. Paradoxical though it might seem, I’m stubborn precisely because I want to find out why I’m being stubborn. Really quite silly, isn’t it? I’ve put myself in this lose-lose situation in pursuit of ultimately worthless ideals, even though I would be so much happier if I just played along with everyone else. Of course, this part of me was conditioned also, and I’m going to kick the shit out of whoever influenced this part of me, because they have made my life a living hell! :p

Ultimately, this is my responsibility, conditioning or not. I need to choose between my own sadomasochistic existential indulgences, and the bliss of ignorance. There’s no point in letting things continue as they are, as I’m just hurting myself and everyone around me with this stubborn indecisiveness. Am I’m going to accept the Absurd for what it is, reject the absurd and feign ignorance like everyone else, or off myself “like a real man”? Either way, I’m going to die anyway, so I might as well decide what my fate is going to be. If there is any freewill in this world, it is in the freedom to live or to die. Beyond that, it’s all a toss of the coin, but then again, “it’s just cornflakes” anyway. Or something like that.

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