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Essence of Life

October 23, 2010

If there is anything about me that I would consider to be my greatest imperfection, it would be my lack of a SuperEgo. I realized a while ago that I did not have one, although back then it was merely a hunch, whereas now it is a tortuous certainty. I have no Conscience, no Attachments, no Nexus, no Fidelity, and no Humanity. There is thus no reason for me to live, no reason to die, no reason to love or care for others, and yet no reason to hurt them either. Why is there no reason? Because all reasons to live are not found in the individual, but in the collective. Alone my life is meaningless and nihilistic, and it does not matter whether I exist or not. When I am with other people, I am even more alone, because I recognize with the greatest of clarity what it is that I lack, and that which those around me possess: reasons to live. Whereas I can only wander aimlessly as a cursed nomad akin to Cain, other people have an Essence of life, and it is for this reason that I envy them.

I hate my father, who will not give me that Essence, I hate myself, whom I am unable also to give purpose, and I hate the world, which cruelly lives on in their naive happiness, unacquainted with the deep melancholic emptiness forced upon those who have no purpose, despite wishing more than anything to have one. In my wretched suffering, I long to be a slave to another, that in carrying their burdens I might receive purpose in return. I do not care for what purpose I receive, just so long that I have one. But I cannot give myself this purpose, try as I might, and even I do not know why; perhaps this futile stubbornness of mine is to blame for my suffering.

To not have a conscience means that I do not feel pity nor sympathy, and I would not mind giving into the carnal criminals pleasures, to kill, steal, rape, rampage, burn, torture, and destroy the happiness of all. It means nothing to me, and presents itself as the opportunity to escape from my suffering, if only for a while. But knowing that I will not obtain a purpose in such a course, but only a desperate and ultimately futile escape, I resolve to hold back, reckoning that perhaps someday I will receive the answers that I so desire, and finally be free. I figure, this is what life is about after all.

To not have the ability to bond with and feel attachment to others is sickening; my fate would appear to be a perpetual melancholy, and the occasional escape from it. I try to understand and relate to other people, to befriend them in hopes that perhaps I just have walls that need to be broken down, that if I pretend to be friends with them long enough, eventually that friendship will become real. But in the end I realize the truth: If the foundation is superficial, then only a superficial friendship will it be; no matter how many layers of forged happiness I might cover it will, it’s in the end no more than a deception, and I will only hurt people in the process, as unlike my own pretense, for them it was quite real. To try to produce pretend friendships can only hurt people in the long run, because I will have shattered their dreams with my own illusions; if it’s not equivalent exchange, someone has to pay for my sins, and it will always be those people who I have selfishly befriended.

Because I do not even have a SuperEgo, I cannot even know God, because God is understood not through ethereal transference, but through the sharing of his followers. God is ultimately found not in the Self, nor in the All, but in the World; if I am unable to communicate with the World, then I am even cut off from God himself; as such, my life is a living Hell. As I live out Hell itself, it’s really no surprise that I could be so desperate, wanting a purpose more than anything. Without a purpose my existence is meaningless, without a purpose I am cut off from all else; without a purpose I have nothing, and I am nothing.

What I need right now, is the Essence of Life. I need a SuperEgo; without it, I am incomplete and worthless. All that is of meaning and worth in life is found not in the Self, but in the World; it is the World that will decide what my value, my worth, my character, my life, my purpose will be. Without the World I am nothing, because it is through the World that Life itself manifests. I must learn to connect without the World, for unless I do so, everything that I do, and everything that my life will become will have been for naught.

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