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Impetus

September 5, 2010

What drives person to succeed? This question has been the focal point of much of my writing, although I have yet to find any clear answers– only splinters of the truth. Human motivation is indeed complicated, as we are just as likely to be motivated by denial, by vengeance, by hatred, by love, by fear, by distrust…so many different possible motivations for a person.

So what am I motivated by? Honestly, I don’t know…but I think it has something to do with self-preservation. The problem my motivation is simple, yet complex: I don’t know what I want.

Some people have tried to rationalize this issue for me, saying (for example), “you write, think, and delve into the human psyche; these must be the things that you want”– but that’s far from the truth. For me, what I think and write about are a means to an end, and that end is trying to figure out what I want. This is why I study other’s motivations, I hoped that by understanding other people, I might be able to better understand myself. But in the end, I have nothing; only a lot of interesting and inspirational writing that may help other people, but does nothing for myself.

Sure the writing might help my eventually, but it won’t until I’m able to find something that it seems that I’m unable to find through mere thinking and writing– if I could, I would have by now: motivation.

Maybe it really is as simple as human biology. I could follow my chemical drives, and find a person that I deem suitable as a mate; preserving my relationship with them, and having a healthy family with them would become my reason for living, and for thriving. That would probably be a quite reliable drive, since it’s encoded in my DNA. But sure enough, for me that’s not good enough, because I could never be content with resigning myself to fate.

I need something a bit more complex…

All impetus for living (as far as I know) can be simplified into three main categories: Desire, Trust, and Control.

Then there’s Balance: To Love (desire) one thing, you must Hate its opposite; to Trust (be intimate with) one thing, you must Fear its opposite; to Control anything you must get rid of Chaos. This simplistic model still has room for improvement, but it does illustrate one important point: There is a price for everything!

That’s probably what it comes down to: I’m not willing to pay the price– not when it comes to Me. I will run away from the problem, even hurt myself and sabotage myself to escape from this issue– I can’t make the final decision, because I fear the responsibility.

What’s my impetus for living? I don’t know…but maybe I just don’t want to know. I suppose when to comes down to it– my reason for living is to escape from my purpose; if I knew my purpose, I would also know that I could not fulfill my purpose.

Why can’t I fulfill my purpose? Because I’m not ME!

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