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August 3, 2010

One aspect of my life that I am most angst-ridden about is my stagnating lifestyle– that is after all the primary reason why I abandoned th3g1vr and started nspyraishn in the first place. I wanted to renew my passion for writing, for thinking, and perhaps even for living. My dilemma has now revealed itself: I have lost my passion in life!

I have had many passions in life, and every time I have let go of one, it leeches a little more life out of me, and I hold back a little bit more in my hobbies, lest I be sucked dry by own own fear and indecision.

I know by now that no hobby, no matter how much I might dedicate myself to it, will ever be good enough; yet still, I stubbornly press forward.

Desperation and Self-Loathing have become my most loyal companions– always there by my side to remind me of how unfair that life is, and how cruel that my existence has become. For I will become everything, and so for that reason I achieve nothing. My talents are my unbecoming, and my vision my curse. For though I could have the world in the palm of my hand and every person on this earth my subject, I know more than anyone that even this would be far from good enough for me, and so I despair.

Am I consumed by greed? Perhaps. But it is not the kind of greed that cares for money or power or the pleasures of the flesh. I am greedy for self-fulfillment– to know and understand my own potential, and to achieve it. I only wish to become a god because godliness is my potential. Because I can be great, I must be great– not because I envy greatness and must possess it, but because I envy myself and must possess all that I can be. I am thus a slave to my own potential; empowered by my passion and passionate about my own empowerment.

There is no pleasure to be found in a man consumed by his own lust to reach his potential, nor is there an end to such a hellish journey. I know this, and yet I pursue it anyway, if only to assert my own right to freewill. Is it madness? probably. But I have found that there is more meaning in madness than there is in sanity; for whereas sanity accepts that which is, blowing away into normality like dust into the wind, madness seeks to change the wind’s direction, becoming a part of the wind itself.

Regardless of whether my motivations for such passions are of a purity or of a corruption, it is clear to me that it is better to do the wrong thing than to do nothing at all. For in nothing there is stagnation, and in stagnation bacterial infection that far surpasses the evils of a logical corruption.

So then I will strive to once again regain my empassionment, that my heart might be true and my resolve be strong. To quote from the Bible, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.”

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