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Argument against alternate orientations

July 24, 2010

As a person who has experimented with homosexuality and various other orientations (among them sadomasochism and BDSM), I have had the opportunity to understand the motivations that drive most people to become homosexual or bisexual, and the various other paraphilias. Through self-experimentation, I over time confirmed that I could indeed become sexually attracted to and even sexually intimate with someone of the opposite sex. But it was not until recently that I realized the flaw with homosexual relationships, and paraphilias in general: The motivation is wrong.

But before I go into that, a little background about the nature and purpose of relationships:

There are two main evolutionary drives in a relationship:

1: Sex (associated with pleasure, inspires lust.

2. Family (associated with commitment, inspires love.

Normally, the initial motivation for most relationships begins with sexual attraction– people find partners they they perceive as desirable (because of their physical beauty, attractive personality, or various other desired qualities such as money, status, or independence), and that desire motivates them to seek relationships (both emotional and sexual) with that person.

Relationships that are motivated by desire, regardless of the nature of such relationships, produce a type of love known as lust (which the Greeks referred to Eros: a child-like love).

Because desire is wholly emotional in nature, it proves to be very unstable in nature, and so relationship cannot be sustained by lust alone. If anything, lust unravels relationships, as one of the inevitable products of desire is change.

It is for this reason that two other types of love exist, one of them to create substance in the relationship and build an emotional bond (known as “intimacy”), and the other to promote stability in the relationship, fostering a mutual need to keep the relationship secure.

Together these two types of love form a more mature and true love, and is distinguished from the “puppy love” that lust permits, in that it is more mature, refined, and above all stable. I explain this in greater detail in my post “Love versus Lust”.

It for these reasons that paraphilias prove to be an obstacle in the consummation and continuity of long-term relationships. Whereas normal long-term relationships are a relatively balanced mix of lust in love, most homosexual, and almost all paraphilic relationships are motivated almost entirely by lust.

The reason for this difference is evolutionary: because paraphilic orientations have no reproductive function, people with such orientations cannot move beyond lust and produce love, because there is no evolutionary impetus for it. There is a hard-coded mental block in place that prevents people with paraphilic interests from developing a “true” love, because their instinctive subconscious views this as counter-intuitive.

This link between paraphilias and sexual immaturity was first acknowledged by Plato, who initially promoted homosexual lust, but over-time came to view homosexual gratification as a cheap image of the divine, and later condemning it as “unnatural” It was really Freud though that pioneered in this field, going to great lengths to analyze this issue.

There are of course, exceptions to this rule, particularly in regards to gender roles. for example, if both partners in a homosexual relationship identify as male and female counterparts, it would not necessarily be a lust-driven relationship; in situations like that, it’s mind-over-matter, and that level of psychological identification will often compensate for the inherent evolutionary obstacles.

But at that point, so many societal standards would have been ignored that the issue could be considered a matter of semantics.

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