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Synthetic Egotism

July 13, 2010

Starting somewhere around the time I wrote my ground-breaking (and highly disturbing!) post “Agony”, I began to realize that my mind had begun to split between contradictory desires– essentially, that it was impossible for me to get certain things out of life without giving up other things I wanted…to try to achieve it all would result in a paradox, and ultimately, self-nullification. To move forward, I needed to make a decision: Either renounce the self (Antithesis; giving up on the self), face myself (Thesis; self-aware suffering), or Synthesis (Denial; ignorance of the self).

I was unwilling and unable to make a choice, and the more I tried to seek out a path through introspection and self analysis, the more complicating and confusing the issue became. Eventually this dilemma culminating in a fragmented mental-breakdown, after which I decided that I needed to make a choice no matter what, so that I could start “moving forward” in life again, lest I stagnate in a self-perpetuated existentialist mire.

But even then, I could not make the choice, and so with no other options left, I developed alter-egos as a coping mechanism– with three main ones:

1. Kurutio– associated with the Id. This self chooses the Thesis, or self-aware suffering. As an adaptive result, Kurutio is also a sadomasochist, and knows no limits when it comes to inspiration and has a grotesque curiosity for the most taboo experiences.

2. Th3g1vr– associated with the Ego. This self chooses the Synthesis, or self-denial and ignorance. Th3g1vr lets other people decide his identity, but at the same time has no actual identity; only a mask. By letting other people decide how he acts, and not taking himself seriously, th3g1vr is able to detach himself from reality, and become immersed in reality by “feeding off the dreams of other people”, rather than creating his own (as Kurutio does).

Th3g1vr’s has no real goals– rather, he believes that a fluid lifestyle, with no expectations of anyone or anything, is the safest (and thus the best) lifestyle. Thus, he just goes with the flow, and lets his environment decide just about everything.

But at the same time, the “self” that th3g1vr takes on is different from what he perceives to be his true self. Th3g1vr’s existence is very fragmented and unreliable, but can be divided into several sub-personalities, the main one of which is Nspyraishn:

Nspyraishn, although derived from th3g1vr, is actually a hybrid between the personality of Kurutio and that of Th3g1vr. I’ll explain this in greater detail later on.

3. Matthias– associated with the SuperEgo. Matthias is end-justifies the means type, and believes is giving up the self in favor of ambitious goals. Believing the self to be temporal and mortal, he seeks to do everything in his power to become immortal, and by any means necessary. Matthias has no heart or soul, believing these things to be animalistic sentimentalities that only create weakness. He also believes that manipulation is the most effective method of bringing about desired change.

4. Justin– the real me. Although I have all of these personalities, there is a real “Justin”, and if I were this person, I would probably be happiest, and by far the most “normal”. This self is very simple and undemanding, seeking only for an average life, average relationship, average kids– everything normal.

I have often thought about letting this self take dominance, but he always feels too “weak”. I am afraid that if I let this self take control, I will become who I once was– gullible, selfish, naive, and superficial.

So then, what is the productive end-result of these multiple personalities?

Well, I’ve charted out (to some extent) the dominance each personality will take at each stage of my life. For example, NspyraishN will have dominance until I get out of college and get a successful career;

Then Kurutio will take over, fueling my creativity– thus allowing me to release many different forms of creative expression (poetry, novels, music, videos, etc.), and providing the impetus for global travel and all sorts of interesting life experiences;

At that point I will have become “cultured” enough for Matthias to begin constructing his master plan for world domination (or becoming God, whichever comes first), providing immortalization in its raw form;

Finally, somewhere around the age of 40, I will settle down for an early retirement, and let Justin take over;

I just haven’t decided whether I will let Matthias raise my kids or “Justin”.

(Note: Th3g1vr never ‘takes over’– it’s not in his nature. to begin with, he doesn’t actually have a ‘self’ — the closest thing to that, as mentioned earlier, is “NspyraishN”).

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