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June 28, 2010

The following is a closure of sorts to a ~10 month long off-and-on relationship:


When you broke up with me the first time, I couldn’t quite understand the reasons why? I felt that your actions were extreme and melodramatic– not only lacking sensibility and civility, but impulsive as well. I felt that the relationship still had potential, so I decided to wait for an opportunity to get back with you again– and sure enough, that opportunity came.

In the few days before we broke up came my first hint at the real problem, although I did not recognize it at the time: Both of us (although especially myself) were not experiencing love, but lust.

It was all very chemical– the “high” of which I admit I became addicted to. Every time I was around you my heart beat fast, and time slowed down almost to a standstill. It was surreal– not only time, but our very surroundings were irrelevant when I was with you. I wasn’t at Job Corps any more– we were in our own personal world of our own creation– or should I say, of my creation.

I did not understand all this at the time, and every time that you broke up with me, it was always for some bullshit reason– and a couple of those times, for no reason at all. Eventually the relationship soured to the point that I often thought that I was only getting back with you to find out why you broke up with me in the first place. As it turns out, that’s exactly what I was doing.

Don’t get me wrong– I still love you. But I recognize that this love is no real– it’s just me projecting my own desires onto you. But at the same time, there is a you that I do love– it is this other side of you that I really fell in love with. I love Illyria.

Illyria– that mysterious and wandering shadow character of yours. I may be able dull the memory of you, but I will probably never forget Illyria, because she has become part of who I am.

Although you created her, the Illyria that I know is not only the product of you, but also a hybrid of a character whom I once knew as “Airielu”. Before I knew it, my love for Illyria had merged with my love for Airielu to become a single entity; it is this person that I love.

And so it is through this turn of events (both fictional and real) that I understand that my love for you is also fictional. But even if our love does not exist in the real world, I still believe it to be real– to whatever extent that fantasy can provide anyway.

But now at the very least I can move on with life, because I finally have my closure. I finally know the reason why you broke up with me all these times. I don’t think that you know though, and so I hope that you can bring yourself to read this post, that you might understand as I do now:

The reason you broke up with me every single time was the same reason:

Because you couldn’t be honest with yourself.

I know more than anyone how honest of a person you are– and although you make mistakes like everyone else, your integrity is commendable. So it was that I found it hard to grasp why that you lied to me so many times. It didn’t make any sense– you seemed to believe your own lies.

That it turns out was the real problem.

You had this vision of yourself– an innocent, demure, loving, and mature lady. But as it turns out, Illyria always seemed to get in the way of that image. Whenever she came out, you had to face yourself for who you were, and that self included Illyria. So, being unable to face yourself, you broke it off with me instead.

I too would have loved that innocence– I fantasied about it many times. But you know as well as I do that’s not the real world. It’s nothing more than fantasy.

But at the same time, I recognize that, although my love for you was genuine, it was not love.

Just as people I knew pointed out (and deep down, I already knew), it was lust.

I was addicted not to you, but to what I felt when I was around you. “I loved loving you”, in other words. It was a beautiful feeling– filled with passion, mystery, and an ironically carnal innocence.

So I guess in the end, even though I was the one who was getting broke up with, we were both being dishonest with ourselves. You, because you wanted to be someone that you aren’t– and me, because I just wanted to experience what it meant to be in love, even if it meant that my love was not entirely genuine.

But closure aside, I must confess that although I might not lust for you anymore, I will always love Illyria.


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