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Good with the Bad

June 16, 2010

I occasionally play the game “Freeciv” in my abundant spare time, and I’ve found that the way I play this game accurately reflects how I play the proverbial game of life.

Specifically, whenever I play freeciv, and something bad comes up: I don’t get the starting point I wanted, I make a crucial mistake, one up my important units (usually the explorer) falls into a trap, or I put so much priority on certain objectives that I end up doing poorly overall– I almost always give up.

I give up, because I am unable to accept the good with the bad. I demand perfection, and when I find myself unable to meet that expectation, I run away from my problems, unable to accept the bitter truth that I am not perfect, and will probably never be.

So rather than pressing on forward, striving to achieve my goal of perfection, I regress into a state of depression, and often stooping to such melodramatic and immature reactions such as self-sabotage and projection.

If I am to be truly successful, regardless of my goals, I must learn to accept the good with the bad, seeing life as a challenge rather than as a obstacle– pressing forward aggressively and passionately– that I might obtain all that my heart desires.

Up until now, I have been holding back– holding back because I am afraid of what it might mean to risk it all– everything– to achieve that which I desire most: perfection. All ambitious goals come with risk proportionate to its extremity; perfection, being ideal in its proportion, can only be achieve with an equally dramatic level of risk.

That is, if I want everything– I must risk everything to obtain it. I must give up everything, if I am to obtain all that I desire.

Being an insecure individual, and controlling by nature, the notion of letting go of everything– or of accepting everything (even that which goes against all that I presently stand for), it can be a scary one. After all, there is only one thing that I fear in this world– and that is Myself. So to let go of myself, even if for the sake of perfection, is quite the terrifying thought.

Perhaps I am not yet ready for such extremes– I know that I am not ready now. But at the very least, if only to be one step closer to that level of resolve– I should learn to accept the good with the bad, because it is through both sides of this metaphorical coin that I am able to truly understand, appreciate, and experience the glory that is living life.

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