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June 2, 2010

I have recently made a vow of celibacy, and– just as expected– I’ve not been faithful to it.

But fortunately, I know why I am driven to sexual behavior– and you can trust me when I say it has nothing to do with sex.

It’s just another form of escapism– a personal and presently insurmountable need for escaping from reality.

Masturbation, watching anime, listening to music, starting sh*t with people I know, sadomasochism– and even writing– these are things that I do to escape from reality. Even going to church and being a “Christian”– that is escaping from reality.

Regardless of whether it’s productive or just killing time, everything that I do– that everyone does– is nothing more than a means to escape from having to face oneself.

I don’t blame you any more than I blame myself (I don’t really believe in guilt to begin with, anyway), but see this as a seeming inevitability which someday must be overcome. Or at least accepted, and made use of (i.e. manipulation, or in my case, “Ego Engineering”)

We all escape from reality with our rationalizations, excuses, drugs, activities, and by turning our minds to mush with the osmosis of fundamentally useless media, and the obsession of trivial pursuits.

You know you’re lying to yourself. We all do.

But the last thing anyone is going to do is face up to it.

That’s not anything we want know about about. No one does.

We probably aren’t psychologically equipped to handle that kind of sh*t anyway.

…But let’s at least face up to the face that you’re lying to yourself. With your rational lies, you’re just rationalizing. It’s not real. You’re not real. In your need to escape, you’ve destroyed who you were, and even who you will be.

As one famous guy (Jesus) once said, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.”

Know what that’s saying? It’s saying that you’re not going to find any meaning in your own Ego– the harder to try to validate your own life, the more lost you’ll end up becoming.

If you want to save your Ego– find something to believe in, something that is so great that your very existence is irrelevant. A cause so great that you would be a fool not to give your life for.

For me, that “cause” is not Christianity– I knew that much a long time ago. But God is guiding me towards that true purpose for my life, and this is just one tiny step on the way to finding that path.


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