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Forged Happiness

June 1, 2010

Lately I have been considering the existentialist question, “Will I ever truly be happy?” Granted, I only ask this question when I am depressed, as I am now, but even when I am ‘happier’, I still recognize that I am merely escaping from reality through displacement, sublimation, and various “distractions”, both productive and vain.

Whenever I confront myself with this question, it will always inevitably lead to unhappiness, as I am instantly overwhelmed with a deeply melancholic sense of emptiness, being forced to face myself and the fatalism thereof. I am ever-reminded of the fatalistic nature of this world– the inevitability that I will not be remembered forever, nor will my person ever be truly understood.

As I delve into unhappiness, I appeal to the fathers of existentialism, among them Søren Kierkegaard, who solved this dilemma of the lack of inherent meaning in life by maintaining that “the individual is solely responsible for giving their own life meaning and living that life passionately and sincerely“.

That is, because there is no verifiable inherent meaning in life, I am both compelled and responsible to create my own meaning to life, and through forging passion for the fulfillment of this meaning, I will have forged my own happiness in the process– effectively creating happiness that I can know with a certainty is real, because I am the one that created it.

But of course, such a route is not one that I could be satisfied in taking, because it has already become clear to me that I am not myself, and as such do not have the right or ability to forge my own happiness. I must instead first return to myself (who?), and through that journey I will have determine what it is I need to do to find that ever-elusive meaning.

It is for this reason that I started th3g1vr, and for that reason that I am searching for the Essence of the Soul, but it has become clear to me that these are answers that I cannot find by searching for them– they are answers that must be discovered, not rationalized.

After all, rationalizations are for achieving answers to the otherwise incomprehensible questions by taking meaning away from things– essentially forcing meaning to present itself by stealing that meaning from the questions.

There is one thing that I know of that has made me feel truly happy, and that is when I am making memories with the one I love, my fiance’ — especially when we are kissing.

I am aware that even that happiness falls short of the profound joy that I seek– but it has at least become clear to me that if I am to be truly happy, that happiness lies primarily in these three things: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

It is then curious a thing that these aforementioned elements are indeed the cornerstones of Love, at least according to the Triangular Theory of Love.

For this reason– although this may not necessarily be the path for all that seek true happiness– if I am to truly be happy, my pursuit should be of the complete fulfillment and consummation of Love.

To love this beautiful angel with all of my heart, mind, and soul– in that love will I achieve the greatest of joys.

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