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True Innocence

May 9, 2010

When I was growing up, I was always in this sort of go-with-the-flow type mindset; I did everything right the first time, and never had any problems or doubts. I was perfect in my own eyes, and there was no need to validate that perfection.

So you might ask, “how is it that you could have that kind of mindset, Justin?” The answer is simple: Because no one ever told me otherwise. I was never ever told growing up that anything I did was wrong, so I naturally assumed that everything I did was right. Of course I was perfect– if I wasn’t someone would have told me so.

So I spent my entire childhood doing everything the way I thought best, and never changed the way I did things the first time, since there was no reason to. I was a true innocent.

As a result of this happy and idealistic background, it was quite a shocker when I found out that I wasn’t perfect. Just imagine what you would feel like if you went from being God to being a helpless loser that is hated by everyone. That’s kind of what I felt like.

It didn’t happen overnight, but the majority of the trouble happened when, in the midst of me being the poster child of perfection, I was told by my Great Aunt [whom I was living with] that she was taking me back to the children’s shelter. She didn’t want me anymore. She informed me the evening of Christmas day 2002, and took me to the children’s shelter [to rot] the next morning.

Why? I was perfect! What could have possibly gone wrong?

I was incredibly naive as becomes obvious in retrospect, but at the time it was very strange and bizarre. I had been living in a dream world my entire life, and this was a very rude awakening. My reality was rapidly unraveling beyond my control, but not knowing what reality really was at the time, I did not recognize this, instead continuing to go with the flow.

It was not my fault– it was their fault. I began to blame “the system”, the people who took me away from my parents in the first place. Everything was perfect for me– it was the system that was imperfect– the government of Santa Clara County who stupidly tried to destroy my life. Convinced that I was perfect as is, I blamed my environment for my problems. I was not at fault. It was everyone else.

As a result, the more that it became clear that there was something wrong with my life, the more I distrusted people– became detached from everyone and everything that made up my reality. I blended in by conditioning myself to my environment, letting myself pretend to be whoever my environment needed me to be. That way I could continue to be compatible with Society without being affected by it.

As a result, I lost my ability to have any real relationships, or trust anyone genuinely. Everyone was just part of the game.

Now please don’t get me wrong: I didn’t consciously think of myself as “perfect”. It was the inverse perspective: there was nothing lacking in me. In my own mind, I had no imperfections. It was a truly innocent perfection– It wasn’t as if I thought myself to be perfect. It’s that no one ever told me that I did anything wrong. Since I did nothing wrong, everything I did was right. Everything was perfect.

I would not begin to accept the truth until over 5 years later, when I began my own epic journey of self-honesty, jbcandid. This was when I first began to take a serious look at who I was, to analyze myself completely, that I might understand who I was. It was the first time that it occured to me that maybe I was at fault for what had happened, and I needed to know the truth about myself– about everything.

I needed to know the truth. After I realized that people had been keeping the truth from me, by not telling me about my own imperfections, I lost my trust of people even more. The lack of candidness in the world was revolting and horrifying to me, and so I was determined to be uncompromisingly as candid as I could possibly be– The most candid person in the world. Thus began my first identity, jbcandid.

When I realized that everyone that I had trusted in so much had lied to me by keeping my imperfections from me– I also realized that those same people had effectively destroyed my life through their perpetual sins of omission.

Even now, I am convinced that a lack of proactive honesty (candidness) in the world accounts for the majority of problems in the world, because lies and secrets are the cause of the majority of misunderstandings, and misunderstandings account for almost all human conflicts.

As a result of these revelations, I renounced everything that I had know to be true before that: Christianity, relationships– all of my childish beliefs– and I set out to find genuine truth.

This is why that I came to trust the Internet (and particularly Wikipedia) so much: unlike everything I had known before that point, the Internet did not hide the truth from me– it displayed it candidly, and invited me to that knowledge, rather than keeping it from me. Even if the Internet is full of lies and deception, it does not hide the truth from me.

To me, it is better to lie to someone than to keep the truth from them.

Now that I have finally recovered from the life that I apparently never lived (as the knowledge of my life was kept from me!), I am on a new journey to regain that lost innocence, this time building my purity not on my own works (which are now clearly imperfect), but on the cleansing blood of Jesus! Thank you Lord! 🙂

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