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I don’t know what I want

April 17, 2010

This has been an issue for a long time, that I don’t know what I want. It is the biggest dilemma I have ever faced, or probably ever will, because until I find the desire of my heart, I have no future.

This is where it all began, with my recognition that we all must have a purpose, for without it we cannot live. But over time I realized that I had no purpose, no reason to live, and so I decided to create one for myself, that I might save myself from the empty and meaningless existence that was my life. But over and over again, I realized that although these rationalizations were in-and-of-themselves sufficient ( they were, after all, theoretically worthy and fulfilling ends to which my means might be applied), they were all ultimately of no substance, of which I possessed no resolve for.

In other words, I was merely skipping from one dream to the next, taking from others what inspiration I could, and desperately, yet ultimately hopelessly attempting to apply incompatible and irreconcilable realities with my own life.

So here I am, still living in a perpetual groundhog day, unable to reconcile my own reality with the reality of others, and yet unable to achieve independent substance or meaning of any permanence within my own reality. Living in this perpetually temporal dream, each day becoming another person, and yet– still the same.

To change within my own mind, but lacking the ability to manifest those changes in genuine form, I change constantly, and so cannot establish a genuine link even with those I wish to care for most; yet to all around me, I have not changed, but have remained the same.

The reason for this is because I have not changed, but merely my perception has. But lacking the ability to actualize my own perception of reality, I am trapped within my own reality, being a slave to the environment of which I am surrounded by.

Being a slave to my environment, I adapt frightfully well– it was as if I were always part of this life. The truth: I am not part of any environment, nor can I be truly influenced by anything or anyone. I act as I am expected to, and adapt to be accepted. And yet, as hypocritical as it might seem, I have no need or interest in being accepted. If I did, I would not spend my days alone in a dark room, my communication being limited mostly to these blog posts that few would read, and even of those that did, none would genuinely care about.

Rather, I act to the absolute minimum required to be accepted, and care not whether people hate me, love me, or ignore me.

I just want to be left alone, and to be able to express myself.

Just so that there is no misunderstanding, I do want people to accept me. However, for a person to accept me, they must first know and understand me, and I have yet to find anyone who genuinely can. Every last person that I have come into contact with has tried to understand me, or sympathize me, stereotype me, characterize me– acted as if they knew me. But none truly know me, understand me.

I think that it might be that in truth, my expectations of my own reality were just set too high. In truth, no one truly understands anyone else, they just like to think they do. I am no exception. What sets me apart from others, isolates me, makes me stand out as a self-initiated anti-social (yet eager-to-socialize) outcast, is that I have rejected communication from others, having already decided that anything that I say will be misunderstood, and that anything that they say is meaningless to me, since I will never know the true intentions of their words.

Regardless of the motivation, I recognize that rejection is always a bad thing, because it destroys the link between the all, between us and earth, and between the cosmos and itself. If I am to contribute to the world I live in rather than taking away from it, I must be positive, not negative; the light that is my perception must be additive, not subtractive in its color.

Regardless of whether we understand each other or not, as long as the flow is positive, Gaia’s will shall be done, and that is what is most important. Rather than taking matters into my own hands, as if I were God, I must give up my Ego (what I want) which is corrupt, and learn to “go with the flow” (literally), that I might become one with the energy, rather than the one that might cause division (the enemy).

To quote Linkin Park, “I want to be with the energy, not with the enemy [myself], a place for my head [peace].

Sure I don’t know what I want, but perhaps it’s better that way. For if I knew what I wanted, then the desire itself would corrupt me, as it does to all that let their desires control them. Rather, it should now be my mission to determine what the will is of the world that I live in; if the world so desires something, I must understand what its true desires are, so that fulfilling the true desires of the world might become my purpose.

Corruption is the inevitability of fulfilling one’s purpose, but surely a purpose borne of selfishness might maintain integrity so as to when that day comes, if there is a God that would judge me, I might be able to face him with confidence and pride, knowing that I did everything I could to fulfill the purpose to which my life was designated.

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