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March 16, 2010

Even though I write about all of these inspirational things, I really don’t apply much of it to real life. It’s just a bunch of talk– for now. As much as I would love to apply all that I have learned to my life right now, I lack the personal maturity to, and it’s a whole lot to take on at once.

The harder I try, the more it seems I lose sight of the things that matter. I tend to do better when I do less, and it pains me to accept that, because I know what I am capable of, and aspire with all my heart to fulfill my potential. I will not accept an average life. I must exceed all. That’s the kind of person I am.

The biggest problem– greatest obstacle to my personal success, while previously a lack of direction and motivation (These I have solved in the past few years, and particularly since I have been at Job Corps), is now a lack of follow-through.

I know what I must do, and I know what I need to do to accomplish these things, but I lack the follow-through to achieve them. Every day is a dream, and at the end of that dream I begin another, starting from scratch. It’s a continual karmic circle of forgetting everything I am each day, struggling to remember throughout the day, and by the time I am ready to begin applying myself to manifesting the memories, the day is already over, and I am doomed to start over again– a perpetual groundhog day, only I’m the one that doesn’t remember.

That I only am ready to apply these regained memories until the end of the day– this is why that I like to stay up late. Most of my greatest writing I have done during all-nighters, because I am compelled to stay up and record what I have recalled the rest of that day.

To record these memories before I forget them, lest they be lost forever.

I must once again unify myself, that I might live the same dream every day instead of having to start over from scratch each morning. So that “a new day” will not come, for it’s only then that I can fulfill my destiny.

To achieve the single flow sought after by Buddhist followers and achieved only by the enlightened, that is what I must do, that I might achieve follow-through.

To live life as a single flow, and love life by becoming one with it.

That is after all what follow-through really is.

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