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Emo-Progressive

February 24, 2010

I occasionally invent new words or phrases to express how I feel, one such being “emo-progressive”. It roughly means that’s I’m emotionally fucked up in the head and moderately confused, but have some strange cosmic sense of direction in my life, and am feelingly mostly positive about the future (e.g. optimism).

On good days, this is how I feel…it is one of the few relatively natural moods I have. When I feel “happy”, it feels extremely unnatural– I don’t think I’ve felt genuinely happy in a long time– perhaps I never have. It always feel so absurdly fake– as if the only way I can achieve a sense of well-being is by bullshitting myself.

Yet I get a sense that at one point I did at least know what happiness was, and when I’m reminded of this, I become emo-progressive, and struggle to achieve that feeling, usually through some productive activity.

This sense of omniscient fakeness is perhaps part of the reason why I can never maintain friendships– seldom does anything genuinely feel real. It’s always this game that I need to get to the next level, like life is just one big simulation game– a game that I need to wake up from, but can only wake up from by winning it.

Most of the time though, I don’t feel like it’s possible to win this game called life, and so I take the passive approach and just go with the flow.

What is it that I want? I don’t know– I don’t think I ever did. I am closer to knowing what I want then ever before, and perhaps if I would just accept that, and live my life accordingly, I would achieve some “level” of happiness, even if that happiness were never real– never felt real.

But somehow, that fake happiness, that mediocrely pretend and make-shift sense of well-being isn’t good enough. It probably will never be good enough.

I’m getting tired of no one understanding me, no one genuinely being able to communicate with me on a real level. It’s all just psychological bullshit– I knew that from the very start. I don’t need anyone– I don’t even need myself. Social “needs”– Society— it’s all wayyy over-rated anyway.

I could just play the game, eat up all of the bullshit and act like it’s the best food I’ve ever had, but I’m beginning to wonder if even a 5-star feast would impress me.

Just writing like this, communicating my thoughts like this—- projecting myself onto myself– that’s all the social attention I’ll ever need. I just need to embrace it.

To be alone, and communicate the things that I really care about in the form of a blog (and eventually a website)…To write a fiction novel that, when finished, would be incomparable to anything else ever written, I should be more than satisfied with that.

In the world but not of it.

That’s really the way it was meant to be, all along.

I do so much more by myself then I ever did with others anyway.

I will do amazing things in this world, and with contribute to the quality of life for everyone, but it will be on my terms. It’s Egotistical and Egocentic– yeah. But that’s just part of who I am.

I was never unique or nonconformist because I wanted to be– I tried the bullshit, time and time again, but the result was always the same. the rebel in me kept leaking out…fucking things up.

Society won’t accept me for who I am, because it thinks it’s just too good for me. So what I’ll do…is prove in full-force that it’s the other way around:

I’m too good for Society.

But by them, it will of course be too late.

That’s the way it’s always been, since the beginning. Society never saw it coming until it’s too late.

That’s why I’m need to cut myself off from Society, before it drags me down with it…drags me down to the inevitable hell it is destined to reside in.

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