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Losing My Innocence

February 22, 2010

‭”‬If you want to be loved and have friends,‭ ‬that type of statement is a deal-breaker to most people.‭”

I am well aware of this,‭ ‬and I make such statements because it is a deal-breaker.‭ ‬I don’t want to waste my time with people that can’t at least rationalize my sympathies for Charles Manson,‭ ‬because such people are not open-minded enough to be of value to me.‭ ‬I want controversy–‭ ‬I want to break free of the comfort zone,‭ ‬and for that I need people who are willing to go the distance.

You are a great friend to me,‭ ‬even though you do not sympathize with me in this regard–‭ ‬because you are the one who inspired me to build a future for myself,‭ ‬and in areas that I never even thought that I had the potential for.

‭ ‬Because of you,‭ ‬the things that I once thought I was deficient‭ (‬such as writing,‭ ‬journalism,‭ ‬and fiction‭) ‬are now areas that I am building my nest-egg on.‭ ‬Before I thought that I had no real future–‭ ‬that I would be lucky just to survive…but you changed all of that,‭ ‬more than you will ever know.

Even though you might not realize it,‭ ‬I am who I am today because of you.‭ ‬It is you that inspired me to see the good in people,‭ ‬where there was none.‭ ‬you saw the good in me,‭ ‬and that inspired me to see good in the worst of people–‭ ‬especially notoriously evil people such as Charles Manson.‭ ‬I can sympathize with him precisely because he is evil.

However,‭ ‬as you have inferred in this email,‭ ‬it is partly because of this‭ “‬good in everyone‭” ‬mindset that I have corrupted myself and lost my innocence.‭ ‬In order to justify and sympathize with every‭ “‬evil‭” ‬thing I knew about,‭ ‬I have experimented at both the physical and psychological levels with a myriad of so-called‭ “‬evils‭”‬,‭ ‬that I might understand their motivation and rationale.

I have for the most part succeeded,‭ ‬and become far more open-minded as a result,‭ ‬but as you well know,‭ ‬I have sacrificed far more than my innocence to achieve these feats and gain this knowledge.

Nevertheless,‭ ‬there is no going back,‭ ‬and I will continue this journey to the end,‭ ‬if only to see how far the proverbial rabbit-hole hole goes.

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